They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
