i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
