my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
