I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
