We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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