Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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