Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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