The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
