Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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