Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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