Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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