Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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