I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
