i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
