Need sex. Gaining weight.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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