since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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