I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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