i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
