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I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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