I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Randomize
