Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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