My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
