When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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