just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
