That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
