I'm jealous of your bromance
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
