I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
