Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
