My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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