If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
