I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Two words: blizzard sex
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
