Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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