can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
