When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
