dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
