I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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