you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Found the puke drawer
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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