my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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