I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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