Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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