Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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