He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
