Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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