I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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