I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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