Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
