this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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