Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
