weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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