Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
