My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
